I am a loyalist when it comes to the people that I encounter in my life, that enter the circle of trust and that have my respect.  Having earned my respect and garnered my loyalty is akin to having a black sharpie on hand – it’s distinct, smooth and permanent.  I take it very hard when people either test me in such a fashion that they cannot be on my team, that I have fallen from their circle, that they were not who I thought they were or that I never really mattered to them in the way that I thought. 

It’s the latter that is on my mind at the moment.  It is a lesson that I am a fan of right now and kind of tickles me.  It’s like ladies that get the concept of “he’s just not that into you.”  For me, my tag line is “You are not as important as you think.”  I say this matter-of-factly and without ill will.  It’s a calm revelation.  Sure, I have always known that I am at the center of my universe as you are at the center of yours and that my priorities sit high for me, since I am at its center.  Pretty straightforward.  I think the whole ‘”You’re not important…” thing is freeing in a sense because it’s just the damn truth.  We all want to matter.  We all do…but to what extent do we and to what extent do we desire?

Part of this revelation came from a situation where I made a request to people I thought valued me.  Why oh why did I think such a thing? Shit, because they told me so.  They told me and had showed me on more than one occasion, so I thought that I had some documentation, if you will.  Well, nothing is concrete I suppose.  So, I made a request and one person just folded and the other just declined – coldly.  I feel the chill of that declination right now.  As I type, I am shaking my head because I am still surprised.  I don’t like those kind of surprises and I don’t like being dissed.  All those past words of appreciation are hollow now and all my energy was for naught.  I am someone who loves hard and long (keep it clean people) and I take that seriously.  But when it’s done, I’m done.  I become armed with forks and scissors.  And Scene.

Although I was in a situation where I was embarrassed at having extending myself to people I trusted, I was able to learn something. (Obviously, they are out).  But, if you look through a lens that has a realistic level of self-importance then you are not setting yourself up.  Maybe it is a character flaw that is specific to me, but I thought I mattered to someone based on interactions, a developed relationship and examples that showed me so.  Of course there are factors like: they and I conduct ourselves with different value systems, I placed more on our interactions and that they are just schmucks.  🙂 C’mon, I just had to with that last one.  Truly, I learned that the “why I was denied” didn’t even matter, I didn’t have to go over all that I had done for these people and how I would never do them so dirty…it all became moot.

Maybe, I have been really spoiled and had a lot of wonderful people in my life that were genuine and acted accordingly, so I get surprised when people who model that conduct fall off that path.  My husband is a great example for me of someone that has my back no matter what.  His intentions are pure no matter his actions, the outcome or the delivery of his message (things can get muddled).  But he is for me like no other.  He is my person and that’s what he should be and do.  But…I am his priority and our universes our welded together.  I have to remember this when I am going through something and someone doesn’t care as much as I’d like, react the way I’d hope, etc.  It’s times like that where I think – “And you are…”

In the end, I know who’s for me – truly for me.  I must say that these people that played me were not in that crowd to begin with.  These days I say, “I’m about those people that are about me.”  That doesn’t mean that you have to “do” for me first, it’s reciprocal and there are no tabs being kept.

Besides being a loyalist, I am an idealist when it comes to people and at times that is a cross to bear, but I will carry it again and again. ♥